He wrapped his arms around me and I stood on tiptoes to reach him as we kissed. He seemed to tower above me in his 6ft frame and when we sank into the sofa, it was already clear that my tiny house was not only filled with junk furniture – it was also filled with love.
What if I had urged him to go to the doctor sooner instead of supporting his mission at the physiotherapist?
What if I had realised that he was losing weight before it was so obvious in the week before diagnosis?
What if I had noticed that he was eating a little less than normal?
But they aren’t helpful to me.
They are questions I will never know the answer to and I have already addressed the excruciating frustration of the why and the wherefore in my previous post http://thefuschiatree.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/the-mono-rail.html
I refuse to punish myself even more and live on this monorail of torture.
When you love someone so deeply it is magical - but does not bring the kind of magic that comes with having a crystal ball.
Bad things happen to really good people.
It sucks beyond description but it is what it is.
I commit myself to asking only the questions that are helpful for me to move forward.
It is up to me to change my own thinking. I have the power to do this.
In my new normal, I have lost the power or control to do so much but I am in charge of my brain and I can make it my enemy or ensure that it is my friend.
I refuse to be unkind to myself any longer. I am sad enough and I have mountains to climb here.
I need will not beat myself up with guilt in a world where quite frankly shit just happens.
So. Instead - the questions I ask are now in reverse.
I ask myself 'What if I had not..?'